Whew, I'm pooped. Jimmy Carter has got me run ragged
with all the hating I'm supposed to do. Jimmy says I'm a
racist because I oppose President Obama's health care
reform program. Even Jimmy Carter can't be wrong all the
time. And since Jimmy Carter has been wrong about every
single thing for the past 44 years, maybe--just as a
matter of statistical probability--he's right this time.
I hadn't noticed I was a racist, but that was no doubt
because I was too busy being a homophobe. Nancy Pelosi
says the angry opposition to health care reform is like
the angry opposition to gay rights that led to Harvey
Milk being shot. Since I do not want America to suffer
another Sean Penn movie, I will accept that I'm a
homophobe, too. And I'm a male chauvinist due to the
fact that I think Nancy Pelosi is blowing smoke--excuse
me, carbon neutral, biodegradable airborne particulate
matter--out her pantsuit.
Also, I'm pretty sure Rahm Emanuel is Jewish, and you
can't be against (or even for) President Obama without
the involvement of Rahm Emanuel, so I'm an anti-Semite.
Furthermore, although I personally happen to be a
libertarian on immigration issues, I do agree with Joe
Wilson that you can't say you're expanding health care
to the poor and then pretend you're going to turn those
poor away if their driver's licenses look a little
Xeroxy and what's on their Social Security cards turns
out to be a toll-free number for a La Raza hotline. Thus
I'm prejudiced against Hispanics as well.
I'm a 61-year-old man with three young children and a
yard to rake. While I appreciate the attention from our
most ex- of ex-presidents, I'm really too busy to
properly accomplish all this loathing and detestation. I
quit smoking so I don't even have a lighter to set
crosses on fire. We don't happen to own white bed sheets
and I'm five nine and--dressed in Ralph Lauren candy
stripes and tripping on fitted corners--I'd feel like a
fool at Klan rallies (and Tea Parties and Town Hall
meetings, to the extent that there's a difference).
Then I have the task of finding people to disrespect,
denigrate, and discriminate against. I know people who
are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. But,
unfortunately, I like them. When you like a person it's
difficult to treat him (or even her) with the kind of
vigorous and unrestrained bigotry that Jimmy Carter
expects me to engage in. I have to go looking for people
(people of the proper race, creed, and ethnic origin)
whom I can't stand. That jackass from the gas company
who kicked my dog (even though Valkyrie hardly broke the
skin) won't do. The meter reader is a New Hampshire
Yankee.
This is exactly the problem. I live in rural New
Hampshire and we are, frankly, short on people who are
black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short
on people. My town has a population of 301. When it
comes to bias we're pretty much reduced to an occasional
slur against French-Canadians. But my grandfather was
French-Canadian, so I feel that it is somewhat
inappropriate for me to express scorn for Frenchies.
That is, liberals have a monopoly on self-loathing as a
result of neurosis entitlements and affirmative anxiety
programs for which I, as a Republican, do not qualify.
Thus it is that I have to drive all the way to
Dorchester and then out to Provincetown and down to New
York City and back to be narrow minded enough to satisfy
Jimmy Carter, Nancy Pelosi, Rahm Emmanuel, and their
friend Hugo Chávez.
When it comes to oppressing those who are differently
gendered, I have the opposite difficulty. With two
daughters, a wife, and a female dog that bites, I'm
badly outnumbered. It's all I can do to make an
occasional wisecrack about time spent in the bathroom
(or kennel) with the hairdryer. Even then I end up
sleeping in the car. (The dog gets the couch.)
I thought about going to a "Hate Coach" to help me focus
my insensitiv-ity and anger. But all the radio hosts
were booked months in advance. In--stead I've decided to
follow the example of large capitalist institutions
(which are themselves famous for racism, homophobia,
anti-Semitism, maltreatment of illegal aliens, and glass
ceilings for Nancy Pelosi, who will become a senator
from California about when Arnold Schwarzenegger gets
the Billy Crystal role in a remake of When Harry Met
Sally). I am outsourcing my hate.
I have contracted with al Qaeda, Russia, and Cuba. When
it comes to treating women and gays like hell (not to
mention Jews), it's hard to beat the Islamic
fundamentalists. The Russians are no slouches with a
pogrom either, and they are racists par excellence.
Russians not only vehemently despise blacks, they
believe Africa begins at the Ukraine border. And when it
comes to repression of Latinos, Cuba takes the gold,
tyrannizing 11,184,022 out of 11,184,023 Cubans.
Fortunately for me the Obama administration has taken
time out from its pursuit of health care reform to go
wobbly in Afghanistan, cuddle up to Havana, and scrap
the missile defense system in Eastern Europe to appease
Moscow. This puts Osama bin Laden, Raúl Castro, and
Vladimir Putin in a position to destroy the minorities
and the disadvantaged in America. Of course, they'll
destroy the rest of us too. But, meanwhile, I'm spared a
lot of effort and aggravation. And I may have time to
get all the autumn leaves bagged before the apocalypse.
P. J. O'Rourke is a contributing editor to THE WEEKLY
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